I Don’t Want to Be in the Dark

Before anyone reads this story, I want to make it very clear that this story mentions suicide.

The first thing Harlow did when she woke up on a Tuesday morning was to check her Instagram. No notifications, but she pressed that little heart on the bottom of the screen anyway, immediately crestfallen at the lack of support, though she anticipated this long before she went to sleep. She clicked on her profile and scrolled through the dozens of posts, all of her singing into the cheap mic that her mother couldn’t be bothered to buy for her. It’s okay, she told herself. The tears in her eyes told her otherwise. She put on her best white blouse, then spent a little more time choosing which jeans to wear, but in the end picked her only black ones. It was unfortunate that her room was directly connected to the kitchen, because that was where her mother was waiting for her. 

“Harlow Shin.” Her mother crossed her arms. “Are you going to that singing competition?” 

Startled, Harlow stared at her. “How did you know?” 

“I think I told you to stop. How many times do I have to explain that singing doesn’t make us less poor? Are you really that selfish? What about me, what about the woman that her dead husband left behind?” 

Harlow pushed the front door open and ran out before her mother could say another word. 

When she arrived at school, there was already a sizable number of people gathered in front of the auditorium, and she realized that she probably should’ve come earlier. She thought she caught people reluctantly glancing at each other as they made way for her. Maybe it was just her paranoia tricking her. Not everything is about me, she forcefully reminded herself. 

The waiting room was full of people getting ready to perform, and she froze on the spot when she discovered Tara Abelman. Tara, whom she used to be friends with in eighth grade but decided to start the trend of abandoning her instead, stood with some of her equally popular friends, bending over and dramatically giggling. Harlow had nothing to do with them now. She tried her best to avoid them, but the room wasn’t large enough to stay out of their sight. Within a few seconds, Tara noticed her, and her eyes widened. She pretended she didn’t though, as she turned back to her friends and whispered something that was clearly audible to Harlow. 

“Does she seriously think she has a shot at this?” 

Claire, who was next to her, shot a glance at Harlow, and laughed. “Did you see her Instagram? She’s pathetic. Only nine followers and she’s still going.” 

“Shut up,” a girl she didn’t recognize frantically nudged them. “I think she can hear us.” 

Tara shrugged. “Who cares?” 

The tears that managed to stay in all morning were now too heavy not to betray Harlow by dropping to the floor. She didn’t have time to adjust herself, though, as the host called her name from the stage. She was first to perform. She had no choice but to wipe her face the best she could and push past Tara and her friends to come up to the stage. 

No one said anything as she tentatively fiddled with the mic. Not a single cheer. Not a word of encouragement. “I… I’d like to introduce my song, it’s called “Shadows,” and um…” Her voice broke. Hundreds of blank expressions greeted her. “I tried my best to make it reflect my emotions, like how fire and shadows work around each other, just like in all of our hearts…” She heard snickers. “So yeah. This is “Shadows,” and this is my favorite work as of yet.” 

She cleared her throat once again and straightened the mic. 

“… so I ran back to my fire

hoping it would burn brighter, 

but the shadows—”

She stopped. She could probably keep going if she tried, but she didn’t want to. “She’s pathetic.” Claire’s voice echoed in her head, over and over again until she couldn’t hold it anymore, and she let go of the mic, excusing herself from the stage as ghosts of laughter followed her into the waiting room. She picked up her pace and ran into the nearest classroom she could find. She dug out a small, portable speaker that she bought for herself on her birthday. She turned it on. 

Nobody wants to listen to her singing. Not her mom. Not Tara, who used to be her only friend. Now she doesn’t even have any friends. “Singing doesn’t help make us less poor.” “She’s pathetic.” Pathetic. She was pathetic. She doesn’t have anyone. Why should she? Why should she continue doing this anymore? 

With that question lingering in her head, she slowly walked over to the window, opened it, and looked down, softly singing along to the song that played from the speakers, her favorite song. She hesitated for a second, then two, but she’s had enough, enough, she thought as that last word pushed her to the edge, literally at that, and she fell, fell to the ground. Nobody told her not to. Nobody could. 

A loud noise followed, a deafening sound that a teacher in the hallway heard, to which she opened the door to the auditorium and screamed at Tara to stop, whose turn it was to sing. Students exchanged worried glances, some shocked, as they filed out the door and into the classroom, where the speaker was still going strong, and where the teacher was standing, looking out the window with her hands locked behind her head. 

Tara fought through the crowd to push the teacher aside and looked down too, which she regretted as she turned around to face the silenced crowd with tears in her eyes, tears that Harlow spilled less than ten minutes ago. She wordlessly pointed at the speaker, which played ominously in the background, breaking through the atmosphere, which finally got the audience its owner yearned for. 

“… so I ran back to my fire

hoping it would burn brighter, 

but the shadows came closer 

until they swallowed me but

I don’t want to be in the dark, 

I don’t want to be in the dark, 

I don’t want to be in the dark, 

I don’t want to—”

One thought on “I Don’t Want to Be in the Dark

  1. The pressures of social media acceptance and not being accepted by a peer group have driven many young people to suicide. Your story highlights that well, and is very topical.
    Many thanks for following my blog.:)
    Best wishes, Pete.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s